


Not So Easy Living

by aimeekiwi93



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F, Modern Setting, Rating May Change, References to Depression, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-06 08:51:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17936663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aimeekiwi93/pseuds/aimeekiwi93
Summary: Growing up in a boarding school, dropping out of college and moving to the Big Smoke, Therese lives day to day. That is until Carol shows up requesting something she's not sure she wants to give.





	1. Chapter One

Dark loose hairs stuck to the bark of the tree she currently leaned against as if it was the only lifeline she had. Her arms were next to her, fingers knotted in the grass beneath them. The sun didn’t touch her, the canopy of the tree shielding her pale skin from rays that would surely turn her skin scarlet. Therese was young, so lost in thought that she didn’t feel the phone in her pocket buzz.

There were days where she would be fine; she would be her usual, ever so slightly withdrawn, self. She had a small circle of friends, and that’s all she needed. But today she was so lost, drowning in her own mind, that she didn’t feel she had the energy to interact with anything in the physical world.

Woodlawn Cemetery had been one of her favourite places to escape since her childhood. Abandoned to the system by her mother when she was younger, Therese hated living cooped up in a boarding house. Before his death, her father had known her mother would leave her, so he had the good heart to set up a fund to put her into a boarding school until she turned 18. Her mother was not mentally stable enough to look after Therese after her father died. He was her mothers’ lifeline, and with him gone, there was nothing that her mother wanted more than to see her gone.

Therese understood that her mother had suffered with postnatal depression, but even with her mother seeking help and overcoming that hurdle, she knew that her mother still felt disconnected to her.

The sound of a squirrel through the grass next to her brought her back to reality. Glancing at the small creature, Therese sighed, watching it dash out of her line of sight. Becoming acutely aware of how long she had been rested against the tree, made evident by the fact that the sun was now on her legs, she checked her phone for the time.

Dannie > Happy birthday, T! You’re free!

 

* * *

 

  ** _3 Years Later_**

                Therese buried her face into her pillow, her alarm alerting her to the fact that she needed to wake up. Normally, she would be aware enough to silence the damned thing, but she was still hazy from sleep and she soon felt the haze creep up and over her, so much so that the alarm faded and she was able to fall back into her slumber.

                Not fifteen minutes later, her alarm sounded again, this time having success in waking the brunette. She groaned, opening her eyes enough to be able to see her phone to shut off the alarm before another one went off. Rolling over, Therese lazily sat up on her bed, swinging her legs to one side and allowing herself to hunch over, she scrubbed her hands over her face, finishing by running her fingers back through her hair.

                The brunette’s morning routine wasn’t anything spectacular. After pulling herself from bed, she would traipse through her tiny apartment through to the kitchen to start brewing a coffee. While she left her coffee to make itself, she would use the bathroom, cleaning her face from any traces of sleep. Some days she would be fast getting herself ready, resulting her to wait for the last drips of coffee to be extracted, but today wasn’t one of those days. Being dressed in only the shirt she had worn to bed, she left the bathroom, collecting her coffee. The only saving grace of her apartment was the small balcony where she would take her coffee and have her morning cigarette.

                Watching the streets below her fill with the hustle and bustle of New York life, she quietly finished the dregs of her coffee and discarded her cigarette butt in the small tin that she left on the balcony. The rest of her routine consisted her of pulling out her black jeans and a dark blouse, leaving it slightly unbuttoned to show the necklace with her father’s class ring, whipping on some make-up and leaving the apartment to head to work.

                She was fortunate enough to live only a few blocks away from her place of employment, a small record store.  After leaving boarding school, she had been accepted into a few colleges where she had tried to fit in, but academics were never her strong point. She had left college to move into the city, finding a stable job and settling into the apartment that she still resided in. She had been working at the record store for a little over two years now, proving her worth to her employer with her fascination in music. He had recently promoted her to an assistant manager position where she had received a nice little pay increase.

                “Morning, Richard!” Therese called as she stepped into the store, thankful to get off the busy streets.

                “Hey Terry,” came the reply from somewhere out the back of the store.

                Walking through the small store, Therese walked through the door, taking her to the back room where she saw her boss settling down on one of the two chairs. He had a coffee in his hands and was reading over a delivery list, the boxes stacked on the table. The room was small, the aroma of vinyl lingering in the air.

                “New shipment,” it wasn’t a question she posed for him, it was obvious the store had received some more records to add to their collection. They were generally sourced from other stores shutting down or donated by people who no longer needed them. “Anything good?”

                Humming, Richard scanned the manifest. “Nah, just the usual,” he replied, handing the paper to Therese for her to make of it what she will.

                As her own eyes roamed the paper, there was one record that stood out at her, Easy Living, by Billie Holiday. She fondly remembered her father playing the song on piano when she was younger. He had once had the record in his possession, but after his passing and her being carted off to boarding school, she had never seen it again. A sad smile crossed her face, placing the paper on top of the box that contained the records.

               

* * *

                Therese’s day had gone by quickly. A few older customers had come and picked out old favourites, teenagers had come and browsed, probably more to keep up appearances in their peer group than anything, she had made phone calls to other stores to try and source specific records for those customers who used their online platform, and Richard had finished early, telling Therese that he had a date that evening.

                Therese was alone, and she only had fifteen minutes until she could shut up shop. Heading out of the store and to the sidewalk, she pulled in the signs and tucked them in their spot behind a shelf, rotated the open/closed sign to closed, ready for her to close the door when it came time to cash her till. She sat on the stool behind the counter, her phone plugged into the AUX so that music filled the store. The brunette smirked, she had tried to tell Richard that they were a record store, so it would make sense to have records playing, but he had told her that it would be too time consuming to constantly have to change records, so insisted that he would allow her to play her own music. It’s not like they didn’t have a record player, it was just easy.

                A thought struck Therese as she sat at the counter. Hitting the pause button on her phone, she went to the section that she knew the record now lived. Carefully pulling it from its place, she took it to the record player that sat behind their counter, placing the old vinyl onto the player and starting the track.

                The familiar start of the piano filled the store and the brunette smiled, taking her seat again as she waited for the last ten minutes of her shift to pass. She hoped that she wouldn’t have a last minute customer that would take her time, that would prevent her from enjoying the fond memories of her father. But of course, with that thought in mind, a taller, slightly older than her, blonde woman walked into the store. Therese followed the woman with her eyes until she stopped and turned to look at her behind the counter. Green eyes locked on grey.

                “Do you have any other copies?” the woman had asked her.

 

 

               

 


	2. Chapter 2

The song had drifted out of the store, spilling on to the street like flood gates had been opened and that is what had attracted the older woman into the little record store. She was oblivious to the preparation to close the store, instead she waltzed in, stopping in front of the counter and turning to the young brunette who sat behind it, her eyes already focused on the blonde.

“Do you have any other copies?” she had asked the girl, moving from her spot to lean herself against the counter, placing her purse there with the intent to buy a copy as soon as it was confirmed.

It had taken the brunette a second to register that the woman was asking her a question, she was so lost in her eyes, that she almost had to shake her head to snap out of it. “I’m sorry, could you repeat?” Therese had asked the woman, feeling a light blush creep over her cheeks.

The woman gave her a small smile, “Billie Holiday has that effect,” she told Therese, understanding that the girl was so caught up in the music and her own world, to even pay attention to a customer. “I asked if you have any other copies,”

“No, I’m sorry, this is our only one. It only just came in today,” Therese answered honestly, quickly checking the time on her phone before returning her gaze to the blonde. She knew the next question would be an enquiry about wanting to purchase the copy that sat in the record player behind her, and as she thought about it, Therese felt her heart sink. She knew the customer came first, but she felt a little reluctant about making the sale.

“Is there any chance I could purchase the copy you have playing?” There it was, the question she didn’t want is answer, but the blonde must have seen the smallest change in expression on Therese’s face, and she wasn’t sure what that expression was. “If I can’t, is there any way you could source a copy for me?”

“Of course,” but that didn’t answer the question the blonde had asked. Therese cursed herself for being caught so unguarded that she couldn’t function properly. There was something about this woman, as she had continued to stare into her eyes that kept her frozen.

“To purchasing or sourcing?”

The record behind her had finished and she pulled herself away to remove the needle off the record, trying to muster as much composure as she could in the few seconds she had. “Sorry, I can try to source you one if you’d like,”

“I’d like that very much,” the blonde smiled at Therese which seemed ruined any composure she had gathered in the moments before. Clearing her throat a little, she spoke again. “Did you need me to leave my details with you?”

“Of course,” Therese pulled out a booklet of sticky notes, and handed over a pen to the blonde, her eyes trained on her face as she wrote down her details. Therese took this time to fully observe her; how her hair had a curl to it, the parting sitting on the left, her beautifully high cheek bones, the full lips and the sharp jaw line.

Smiling again to Therese, she pushed the pen and sticky notes back to the girl. “That’s that,” she said with finality. “Thank you for your help,”

Therese managed a smile back and watched as the blonde departed her store. Taking a deep breath, she turned back to put on the record on again, lowering the needle gently hearing the slight scratch as the record began to play. Upon closing up shop, Therese took the time to look at the cursive etched on the sticky note. _Carol_.

                With the note tucked away in her pocket, Therese left work, lighting a cigarette for her walk home. She didn’t like smoking and walking, and she almost never did. Today was an exception as her thoughts surrounded the blonde woman. Carol. She couldn’t put her finger on why she felt so enamoured by the older woman, but she was drawn to her, her stormy grey eyes pictured in her mind’s eye.

* * *

 

                It didn’t take long for Therese to return home, stopping briefly to check her mailbox before ascending the eight flights of stairs to bring her to her floor. Usually she would have taken the elevator, but today she needed something to burn off the excess energy she felt brewing in her after her meeting with Carol. She wondered if perhaps she should message Dannie to see if he was free tonight knowing that she shouldn’t look into sourcing the record until she returned to work tomorrow morning. She was torn. The brunette had barely even closed the door to the apartment than sent Dannie a message.

Therese > You free tonight?

                The note in her pocket seemed to get heavier with each passing moment and she knew she needed a distraction or she would over work her mind. Therese wandered through the small apartment heading straight for her bedroom, needing to shed her work attire and cleanse herself from the day.

Dannie > Yeah. Drinks at the usual in an hour?

Therese > Sounds good. See you soon.

                Her body almost instantly relaxed at the quick interaction with Dannie, knowing that she would be able to keep her mind distracted for a few hours. Picking her clothes off the wooden floor, she removed the note from her pant pocket, placing it carefully on her nightstand, before throwing the discarded clothes into the hamper for later washing.

                A shower to wash the day away was all Therese seemed to need to put the thought of Carol to rest, and as she returned to her bedroom to find a change of more casual clothes. She smirked at herself, she usually went straight out with Dannie after work, never bothering to change, but tonight was about getting rid of that blonde woman.

                An hour had passed, and Therese was leaned against a low brick fence outside their regular pub. She had a cigarette in hand as she saw her best friend strolling down the street. She beamed at him as he waved from his spot down the side walk. It had been about a month since the pair had last caught up properly, so it was almost perfect that tonight she needed the distraction. They could discuss mundane things such as work and adulthood, but they could also reflect on their drunken memories shared in this pub.

                “Heya, Tee,” Dannie greeted, giving her a playful fist bump to the shoulder. “You’ve been a stranger, what’s been happening?”

                Therese feigned pain as she rubbed her ‘sore’ shoulder, laughing at his usual antics. “Busy with work, you know, the usual,” she had told him as she extinguished the last of her cigarette on the bin beside her.

                They had walked up to the pub, sharing a nod with the bouncer who knew them well enough to not have to card them. Familiar sounds and smells enveloped the pair as they walked up to the bar, ordering a pint each, and taking their usual booth down the side of the establishment.

                Catching up with Dannie after not seeing him for nearly a month was easy, she knew he was busy with his job at the New York Times, and he knew that she had been busy with sorting her own life out. Having never completed college, Therese was still unsure about what she really wanted to do. She dabbled in hobbies like music and photography, but she knew she would never be able to support herself solely on hobbies alone.

                Drinks between the pair were drunk at such a pace, one would think they were having a chugging competition. Dannie had told Therese about how well work had been going, it had been busy, and the hours were taking a toll on him, but he knew that it would only lead him higher in the journalism world. Therese was happy for her friend. He was only a year her senior, but they made fast friends when they boarded together throughout their childhood.

                Therese had told Dannie about the record that came into the store that day, purposefully leaving out any trace of Carol, it was nothing, and it was something she didn’t want to continue to dwell on, knowing full well that anything that stayed in her mind for too long, generally built up and caused all kinds of anxiety before leading into a depressive state. She inwardly rolled her eyes and thanked her mother for the mental illnesses that lay dormant within her at the moment. She reminisced about the few memories she had with her father to Dannie, he of course, had heard them all, but as the alcohol crept through both their bodies, neither of them seemed to care.

                Finishing a second pint each, Therese and Dannie made their way back to Therese’s apartment; Dannie, being like an older brother to Therese, would always walk her home after a night of drinking before hailing a cab and making his own way home.

* * *

 

 

                She should have known not to drink two pints of beer the night before, waking with the nausea and headache that one would associate with a hangover. Yet she pushed though, readying herself for work before leaving the small apartment behind her.

                Richard had the day off that day, leaving Therese to run the store with one of the new employees, Genevieve. She was around Therese’s age, standing taller than she with hair that looked like flame. Unlocking the store and letting the two of them in, Therese had made sure to let the other woman know that she would be out the back trying to source records for the store. It wasn’t the whole truth, but it wasn’t a lie either. She would only be trying to find the one record and Therese felt protective of the job. Anyone could source records, but Therese wanted to be the only one to find this one.

                Spending hours out the back on her laptop, she was making notes, calling other record stores, browsing through the internet before she finally had someone who had a copy and was happy to part ways with it. Therese smiled at her stroke of luck, taking down the name of the store so she could pick it up that day.

                While she was at the pub with Dannie, she had managed to successfully stop thinking about the blonde that had come into the store, but now that she knew she could get the record, her heart raced. She knew that when she went to pick up the record, the next step would be to contact Carol, informing her that it was ready for her.

* * *

 

                Therese’s heart raced as she entered Carol’s number into her phone and it almost stopped beating when she held the phone to her ear and could hear the ringing. It rang several times before the husky voice of the blonde answered. “Hello, Carol speaking,”

                Therese nearly choked at her words, quickly scrambling to find something to say. “Uh – yea – hi, this is Therese calling from Semco Records,”

                “Therese? Not Theresa?”

                Therese was caught off guard by the question, expecting the blonde to be overjoyed at a call from the record store, yet she was questioning the pronunciation of the brunette’s name. “Uh – yea – my father named me, but my mother always pronounced it Theresa,” she wasn’t sure why that was necessary to tell one of her customers.

                “It’s lovely,” Therese didn’t know how to reply to that, instead staying quiet until Carol spoke again. “I’m sure you’ve contacted me regarding the record?”

                “Yes, I did. I managed to get a copy earlier this afternoon. I’ve put it aside for when you come in to collect it.”

                “Unfortunately I won’t be able to make it into the city until next week, that is, if you can hold onto the record that long?”

                Was that a trace of worry in her voice, Therese wondered. Her heart sank for a bit knowing that it would be at least another four days before she laid eyes on the blonde beauty again. “I can do that for you,”

                “You’re a darling. Thank you for sorting that so quickly for me. Bye now,”

                Therese had barely said goodbye before the click of the phone call ending sounded. Her heart was racing still, Carol had called her a darling, and it had caused all kinds of crimson to cover her face, creeping down her neck. Since when had contacting a customer caused this much of a reaction from the brunette?

 

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the response to the first chapter. I love reading your comments and seeing the emails popping up about kudos and subscriptions. Thank you thank you thank you <3  
> A little rushed, because I wanted to keep you all entertained.   
> I hope this is an ok chapter.   
> I don't really know what else to say.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a forewarning, I'm slipping in a few bits dealing with anxiety. I don't want to trigger anyone :(

The rest of Therese’s week dragged itself out, time seemingly at a standstill. She busied herself in as much work as she could in an attempt to speed it up, but her nerves were getting the better of her in her anticipation to see Carol the following week.

When it came to her day off, she was unfocussed. Her nerves had morphed into anxiety and she was borderline panicked. No amount of distraction from work or from Dannie was helping the way she was feeling and she needed an escape. Packing a bag, she departed her apartment and left for the only place she knew she could relax.

Therese spent nearly an hour on the train to get herself out to the Bronx, the goal to get to Woodlawn Cemetery. There was something about the solitude of sitting amongst the dead, the open areas with trees dotted on the grounds, and her favourite spot, leaning against a tree looking out over Woodlawn Lake. The last time she’d come to the grounds for much needed respite had been her eighteenth birthday. Her mind had been full of turmoil; becoming an adult, moving out of the boarding house, starting college. It had all been too much for her at the time, and yet here she was three years later, needing her space because of a _woman_. She’d only spent ten minutes in her company and a maximum of five minutes on the phone with her yet she was obsessed.

Settling herself on a grass bank by the lake, Therese pulled her camera out of her bag. The lighting was perfect to take a landscape of the lake, the blue contrasting against the trees, their leaves turning with the change of the season. She’d taken many photos of this area, but it was never good enough for her. Her frustration with her photography was part of the reason she’d never finished college. She had the inspiration, but she could never translate what she wanted into reality. In her semester at college, her professors had been impressed, Dannie had been impressed but she never saw what they did. She saw a photo and they saw art.

Metephorically throwing her camera back into her bag, Therese settled to just sit on the grass, her mind still travelling a million miles an hour over the blonde woman she would be seeing in the coming days. She wondered whether Carol would pay with cash, and if she did, would they brush fingers as she accepted the payment? Would Carol look Therese in the eyes? If she did, she felt that she may as well spill her whole life to the woman, the blonde would be able to see into her soul. Into that dark place she hid so well. Would Therese be on her lunch break when the blonde came in? Would Richard make the sale after Therese had gone to the effort? Her heart raced at the thought of seeing the woman again, yet her stomach churned at the questions her mind posed.

* * *

Therese slept terribly on the Sunday night. Every time she had managed to fall asleep, her mind played through every scenario in her dreams, waking her in sweats, her heart thumping loudly in her chest. Today she wore more makeup, a weak attempt at hiding the exhaustion on her face. She wondered if Carol would see through the makeup and realise the bags under Therese’s eyes were her doing.

Her walk to work took her longer today as she chain smoked her nerves away. Richard looked at her questioningly as she entered the store ten minutes late.

“Sorry, overslept,” she mumbled, her head lowered as she rushed to the back room to sort herself, aware his eyes were on her unusual behavior.

Coming onto the shop floor Richard, went to ask her if she was ok but she stopped him, telling him that she was fine and that she really was just over tired. The years she had spent dealing with her anxious and depressive episodes had made her able to read people early. That is, except Carol. She simply put that down to having only spent a mere fifteen minutes engaged with her.

No sooner than she’d taken over the floor from Richard for him to sort the payroll for the week, had Carol stepped into the store. Therese cursed internally, not having enough time to get herself absorbed into work, and still playing stupid scenarios in her head.

Carol’s perfume was what had tipped Therese off, she had acutely remembered the scent, not being attuned to it as she had been lost in the blonde’s eyes during the one meeting they had, had.

“Hi.”

Therese was frozen, unable to fully look at the blonde. She wanted nothing more than to stare into the blonde’s eyes, but she was terrified of what the woman would see. “Hi.”

Carol was standing at the counter, hands placed carefully on the top, clutching her purse ready to pay for the record. Therese noticed the red varnish staining the woman’s fingernails, perfectly manicured. Her fingers showed signs of aging, but the brunette didn’t care much for that. She traced her fingers quickly with her eyes, noticing a few encrusted rings on her fingers, but lacking one on her wedding finger. There was a tan line there, suggesting that she had once been engaged or married, and recently too.

“Therese, right?” the blonde asked, but Therese knew she knew her name, she was only trying to make small talk.

Looking up, Therese avoided her gaze, instead looking at her shaped and filled eyebrows instead. “Right,” Therese confirmed, a weak smile gracing her lips. “And you’re Carol,” the way the woman’s name rolled off her tongue was like static shocking her body. She soon realised she had never actually said her name aloud.

Carol nodded, “Thank you for finding the record for me, it’s one of my favourites,” Therese could feel the blonde scanning her face for something, but she couldn’t be sure.

“It was no trouble, I’ll just go grab it for you,”

Therese left the counter unattended for a moment, heading to where she had store the record. She had placed the sticky note with Carol’s details on the vinyl cover, removing it as she rang the item up on her till. She was aware of the tremor in her hands as she entered the details of the purchase on her till computer. “Just five dollars, thanks” she managed to get out.

Carol handed over the bill, just as Therese had imagined, their fingers brushing as the note changed hands. If Therese was likening the way she felt earlier to static, this was as if she had been struck by lightening. The older woman’s fingers were soft and smooth under her own and she wanted nothing more than to take her whole hand to feel the rest.

Slotting the record into a paper bag with _Semco Records_ inked into it, she handed it over to Carol, placing the receipt into her outstretched hand.

“You’ve probably just started, but when is your lunch break?”

The question threw Therese off. Why would Carol want to know when her lunch break was? Therese cursed her mind, knowing exactly why the older woman would want to know when her lunch break was. “Half eleven,” her voice was starting to shake now, and she hoped that Carol could not see how her presence was effecting her.

“Let me take you out to lunch, it’s the least I could do after you hunted this down for me,” Carol told her, pointing to the paper bag in her hand.

“Uh – sure,” Therese managed to say as she watched Carol saunter out of the store.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay in getting this chapter up. I've been flat out with work and had to take a day off to recover from a stupid 20 hour shift I pulled, so what better to do than to write. Although it is a little shorter than I'd like. Also, I live no where near to New York, let alone America, so I'm trying my best to research to get this as accurate as possible. (I'm from New Zealand - right next door to Australia - so close yet so far from Cate Blanchett's home :P)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I'm a little bit obsessed with the book, the film, the actresses. I hope you enjoy this first chapter (if anyone reads it). Any feedback would be super appreciated as I haven't written in years. I'm also super shit at writing summaries. As I begin to develop the story, the rating will probably change.


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